“A codependent person is someone who has let another person’s behavior change the way they think, believe, behave and act in order to make the other person happy at the expense of their own mental, emotional or physical health.”
~ Dana Zarcone, Founder of Source Your Joy
I first came across this definition of codependency back in February 2016 when my colleague Dana did a series on the topic for my blog.
As soon as I read that, so much of my life made sense! I was immediately taken back to my teenage years, when every boy who approached me quickly became my entire universe. Now some of that is just being a teenager, but it feels like the dial was turned up to a bit extra for me. Within days, this new person would become the center of my universe, and I immediately activated my chameleon powers to warp and twist myself into whatever I felt or was told would make the guy happy.
I remember at the time feeling the sting when it didn't seem to lead to the result I wanted more than anything - to feel deeply loved and known and accepted.
Fast forward to my 20s and the years I spent with in an abusive relationship with a person who would in one breath chastise me for being so malleable and having "no backbone" to being chastised for not falling in line.
Fast forward to my 30s when I was out of that abusive relationship and thrust back into the dating world after being out of it for ten years! Yikes! I was determined that this time around things would be different. I don't have space here to tell you all of the things I did to ensure that happened, but I will tell you one thing I learned that surprised me the most.
When I learned to courageously show up as myself, unwavering, authentic, just as I am and want to be, the quality of men who showed up in my life absolutely changed! And even more surprising was that in being this way, adamant that I would not sacrifice myself, do things that were at the expense of my own health and well-being, my relationships were stronger and I finally got what I'd been longing for for so long.
Of course, it makes total sense to me now, but for most of my life, I was trying to get at this from a very hurt, broken, and misinformed place. And the final surprise, all of those chameleon powers that in one form caused me harm actually transformed into one of my superpowers, making it possible for me to relate to and connect to a wide variety of people, which definitely plays a huge role in the work I do everyday!
Today, I love being in an interdependent relationship. One in which we are each our own individuals, yet we influence and help each other grow in loving ways, while maintaining our own loves and interests, and neither of us have to lose ourselves, rather we both get to remain as our full, whole, messy, beautiful selves and soak in the wonder of being loved just as we are.
This is what I wish for all of you to have in your life whether it be from a friend, family member, or lover. And I bet for some of you this may feel like a long ways off, so I just send you loving encouragement today to keep getting to know you and believing that that you is lovable, and powerful, and imperfectly perfect.
To interdependence,
me and my baby cheesin' it up
P.S. I know some of you may have expected me to write about the current political environment and the Ford vs. Kavanaugh case. I haven't here because I myself feel inundated with news and videos and opinions about this, so decided to not add more to the pile at this time. That said, I'm watching and I'm with you fellow community of survivors in you pain, outrage, frustration, sadness and whatever else you might be feeling!
Watch this video to learn more about what codependency is.
Read this article to learn some of the surprising benefits of codependency!
What's one way you can take better care of you today rather than taking care of others at your own expense?
BOOK OF THE MONTH
But He'll Change: End the Thinking That
Keeps You in an Abusive Relationship
by Joanna V. Hunter
A survivor of domestic violence offers women the tools needed to work through the excuses they tell themselves that keep them in abusive relationships--and to make positive changes in their lives.
He loves me. He has a really sweet side. I am all he has. If only his boss wouldn't put him under so much stress. At least he doesn't hit me. He won't do it again. I can't do anything right.
In this compassionate book, Joanna v. Hunter helps women face, head on, the excuses they tell themselves that keep them in abusive relationships. Using expert advice complemented by her story and the stories of dozens of other women who have survived and turned away from domestic violence, Hunter teaches women to identify the lies they've accepted, understand what healthy thinking sounds like, stop taking the blame for their partner's behavior, identify power and control plays, and stick up for their own needs and plans for their safety.
With each self-defeating message addressed in But He'll Change, Hunter offers counter messages designed to help women build strength and hope. Readers will develop the tools to operate not as victims, but as survivors, understanding the power that they hold to change their lives.
UPCOMING EVENTS
MY VOICE AFTER #METOO
A 4-Part Master Class
Presented by Angela Rae Clark
A 4-Part Master Class
Presented by Angela Rae Clark
Pay what you can!
I am very pleased to share with you this opportunity to connect with my friend and colleague Angela Rae Clark.
This "pay what you can" four part master class will guide you in addressing:
* Why sexual abuse impacts our voice, literally and figuratively.
This "pay what you can" four part master class will guide you in addressing:
* Why sexual abuse impacts our voice, literally and figuratively.
* How your voice can become a tool in your recovery and help you gain momentum
* How speech patterns can keep us stuck
* What is the vagus nerve and how does it impact our voice?
* Tools that will interrupt the speech patterns and give our voice strength
If you have ever felt like your truth didn't matter, this class is for you. You will learn several practical tools that will help your voice be more powerful and help you release the echo of childhood sexual abuse. Your voice is powerful. Angela's personal story and recovery will inspire you to take steps with your voice.
Angela shares the tools and practices that helped her tell her truth of abuse and exploitation as a child when she was 42 for the first time in her life.
If you have ever felt like your truth didn't matter, this class is for you. You will learn several practical tools that will help your voice be more powerful and help you release the echo of childhood sexual abuse. Your voice is powerful. Angela's personal story and recovery will inspire you to take steps with your voice.
Angela shares the tools and practices that helped her tell her truth of abuse and exploitation as a child when she was 42 for the first time in her life.
October Topic: Sexuality
As survivors, we all have complex feelings associated with our childhood sexual abuse that interfere with sexual comfort, pleasure, and satisfaction. We will be exploring what we’ve found helpful in our sexual healing as survivors.
As survivors, we all have complex feelings associated with our childhood sexual abuse that interfere with sexual comfort, pleasure, and satisfaction. We will be exploring what we’ve found helpful in our sexual healing as survivors.
Rachel Grant, M.A. Counseling Psychology
Sexual Abuse Recovery Coach
415.484.5682
www.rachelgrantcoaching.com
"What you think, you create"
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