Monday, October 28, 2019

November 2019: Can you go with the flow?

I've had friends say to me from time to time, "Things just seem to flow for you. Jobs, relationships – they just seem to come to you ... why is that?!"

I've never really been able to answer this question well, but, I decided recently to take a closer look at this concept of “flow.”




Immediately, I was reminded of a moment in my life many years ago. I'll give you the punch line first and then tell all the dirty details: I lost my nannying job one day (the father was out of work, so they could no longer afford me) and got hired for a tutoring job the next day!

Now let's go back in time:

While still working as a mentor for teens in 2009, each leader was asked to write up a personal profile that would be shared with the parents and teens. One of the questions was: What are your dreams and aspirations? Now, the typical responses were often about wanting to start a family, some career goal, or places to travel.

While I surely have some similar intentions for my life (Italy!), when I thought about what I really dream and aspire to be/do, I realized my answer would not fit the status quo.

So, now, a decision presented itself - go with the standard response or be authentic?

Here's what I wrote:

"To live in such a way that people are better off for having known me. To love unconditionally, to forgive radically, and to live with integrity."

Now, those thoughts are so key to who I am that putting them out there for just anyone to see is stepping into being vulnerable (not my first instinct) and giving up being stingy with myself (openly sharing). It also meant risking being misunderstood or judged (another thing that drives me crazy!).

A week after the profiles were posted, I got a call from a mom who had seen the posting. She said, "I read that and immediately knew you were someone I needed to connect with!" We had about an hour conversation, getting to know each other, and she shared with me about her company that produces and distributes meal replacement products. I had no interest in becoming a "salesperson" - but I filed it away as something to keep in mind for others.

The day after I lost my job, I called her, because I had some extra cash (read “severance package!”) and wanted to give her products a try. Now, the conversation began by her asking the usual, "How are things going?" Rather than give the standard answer of, "Fine," - I said, "Well, it's been an interesting week! Yesterday ..." and I went on to explain what happened with my job. I also decided to share about the possible tutoring opportunity I had lined up but hadn’t yet heard back from. To which she said, "Oh, I've been looking for a tutor for my daughter! How about I hire you!?" ... and there ya go! ... I had a new source of income.

On top of that, because she knew my situation, she offered to work with me on the cost of her products, so I could go ahead and give them a try!

As I smiled again at remembering how one door closes and another door opens, I decided that the flow in my life is directly related to:

1. A willingness to give up looking good, to be authentic, to as often as possible be genuine about myself, my life, my needs, my desires even when doing so goes against social norms or what feels most comfortable.

2. Due to this, I get into communication with people and share in a way that is vulnerable, open, non-stingy,

3. Which creates the space for opportunities, support to flow into my life either from the person directly or from someone who they may know.

All of this definitely applies to personal relationships as well!

So, if there is anything that I do at all to create flow in my life – assuming it’s not just blind luck – I would say it is these things!


To being in the flow of life,




Watch this video by Cassandra Bodzak in which she shares her ideas for creating life flow.



Read about the 9 ways you can create opportunities for yourself.



If you were to set aside looking good, the fear of being vulnerable (or whatever else it is that stops you) – what would you do today? 



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BOOK OF THE MONTH


I don't personally endorse many books, but when Sharon sent me her draft of Living Beyond the Silence, I couldn't put it down! In sharing her story, Sharon beautifully captures the terror that drives victims to silence; but more importantly, she also conveys with wit, fierceness, raw hear, and vulnerability the journey back to her voice. Even more wonderfully, Sharon binds within these pages the heroes and heroines who refused, like her, to remain silent. Particularly important are the stories of men and people of color who are all too often egregiously passed over. If we are to put an end to the epidemic that childhood sexual trauma is, we must continue to raise our voices and witness the stories of others; and by way of sharing how we heal, we will foster hope and social change. This book is a potent antidote.

READ MORE HERE!
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UPCOMING EVENTS


November: Disclosure
Having a safe place to totally "come out" to ourselves is so needed for healing. We will share about our experiences telling others about the abuse and what we can do to best prepare and decide when/if to disclose about the abuse.

Learn More & Register Here





LIVE REPLAY NOW AVAILABLE!



Speaking at The Courage Conference was definitely one of the highlights of my year! If you weren't able to attend and would like access to all of the rich resources, workshops, and Keynotes (including mine!), please purchase access to the live replay today!

Access the Live Replay!

Sunday, September 22, 2019

October 2019: The power of flirting *wink*

Last month during my Q&A call with my Beyond Surviving Graduates, one graduate brought to the table the struggles she was having with feeling jealous in her relationship.

I then shocked everyone by, rather than encouraging her to temper these feelings, to consider the benefits of jealousy and even flirting (within certain boundaries)! 


I, in part, made this claim based on this great article "Happily Ever After: Could Flirting Be the Secret to a Successful Marriage" by Lori Leibovich.

She told the story of Sam and Florence, married for 59 years and hoped to find the magic bullet that made it possible for them to walk the long road together.

At one point, Leibovich says:


"... we decided that what kept them from losing interest -- from getting bored, straying or giving up -- was that they both relished small freedoms. They let themselves go -- apart from, but not in violation of, their relationship. They both were shameless, unapologetic, gifted flirts."

There is something marvelous about the dance of language, attraction, and playfulness that occurs when we flirt. The opportunity to be seen afresh and new through the eyes of someone unaccustomed to us and not privy to our scary nighttime routines or hair singeing morning breath is something to embrace rather than scorn or fear.

Yet flirting, in so many ways, is a lost art today -- often set aside altogether or replaced with overt or crass language championed as being "straight-forward". This is a great loss in my opinion.

As Leibovich points out, flirting allows us to practice clever turns of phrase or to use wit and humor.

Just the other night, one boy wandered over and blurted, "You're hot!" Now, while an appreciated observation, the boy who later said, "Do you always fill the space you are in so beautifully" clearly understood the power of language. It's these nuances that are add to the juiciness of flirting, which we don't get to experience when we just blurt out the obvious.  

Additionally, the purpose of flirting is often just simply misunderstood. Leibovich puts it beautifully - it is about playing, not scoring. Flirting gives us the "opportunity to expand our fantasy life and makes our actual romances better." Yet so many of us look at flirting as a challenge to the security of our relationship or even cheating. Not so!

That said, we must understand the line between flirting and affair. As Leibovich relates after telling the story of Florence's long-standing flirtation with the neighborhood butcher,


"Had the butcher one day put down his veal chop and said, 'Mrs. Brownstein, why don't you meet me after work tonight?' the spell would have vanished, their secret world would have evaporated, all the shared moments would have instantly turned to shards of glass."

This is so perfectly said. I love the idea that flirting creates a world in which we get to play, explore, imagine -- and then come home to our partner.

So, I encourage you -- go out, create some playful worlds, turn a phrase, see yourself in new ways through the eyes of another person all while honoring the boundaries and agreements of your relationship!

*wink smile*



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A Wink and Smile by Harry Connick Jr. for some inspiration!

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Watch this talk by Vanessa Van Edwards, a "recovering awkward person" who shares a bit of the science behind attraction!


Read about the 8 ways that jealousy is good for your relationships.


What's one of your favorite ways to flirt?


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BOOK OF THE MONTH


Bestselling author Laurie Halse Anderson is known for the unflinching way she writes about, and advocates for, survivors of sexual assault. Now, inspired by her fans and enraged by how little in our culture has changed since her groundbreaking novel Speak was first published twenty years ago, she has written a poetry memoir that is as vulnerable as it is rallying, as timely as it is timeless. In free verse, Anderson shares reflections, rants, and calls to action woven between deeply personal stories from her life that she's never written about before. Described as "powerful," "captivating," and "essential" in the nine starred reviews it's received, this must-read memoir is being hailed as one of 2019's best books for teens and adults. A denouncement of our society's failures and a love letter to all the people with the courage to say #MeToo and #TimesUp, whether aloud, online, or only in their own hearts, SHOUT speaks truth to power in a loud, clear voice-- and once you hear it, it is impossible to ignore.


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UPCOMING EVENTS


October: Special Writing Workshop with Donna Jenson
I am excited to announce that Donna Jenson will be returning this year to lead her "Honoring and Using Our Voices" workshop.

Donna founded Time To Tell™ in 2009 with a mission to spark stories from lives affected by incest and sexual abuse to be told and heard. It is a sponsored project of Fractured Atlas, a non-profit arts service organization. She wrote and performs her one-woman play, What She Knows: One Woman’s Way Through Incest to Joy, which is based on her own experience of surviving incest and what she did to make her life worth living. She will be sharing he amazing gifts for tapping into voice through writing during this month's group. Do not miss this!!

Learn More & Register Here








October 25-26, 2019

Orlando, Florida


I am so excited to be presenting at this year's Courage Conference, which offers a unique opportunity to learn from survivors, advocates, and trained professionals through inspiring keynote talks and workshops. We connect attendees with reputable local and national organizations and make space for valuable connections. The Courage Conference is an ideal place for survivors, advocates, community leaders, and faith leaders to become educated about abuse from advocates who confront it and survivors who live with its effects every day. It is our goal that everyone leaves empowered to live the most courageous life possible.

Learn More & Register Here


Friday, August 30, 2019

September 2019: An important lesson from Mary Poppins!

I love Disney movies! My absolute favorite is Alice in Wonderland, but a close second is Mary Poppins. And I recently had a "me" day and decided to settle in with some popcorn and the newest version of this classic.

I was happily going along watching the film, until my gaze landed on the cluttered coffee table in front me. My heart began to beat faster.

“Look at all this stuff! What a mess.” 99% percent of the clutter was something of my dear sweet man's.

I paused Mary Poppins, and I got curious.

"Why does his stuff being all over the table cause such an extreme physiological response?"

And a thought arrived, "Because I'm placing value on my things and not on his."

And so I took another look at the table and the objects transformed. 

The screwdriver from something that should be in the garage to a tool that he used while sitting in the same spot as I am now, to fix his guitar so he can access his voice and music, and so I can hear and enjoy the music he plays. 

The lighter from an object that should be in a drawer to the source of fire so he can light the candles.

The lap sized whiteboard with his chicken scratch that should be a on a wall, became sacred text ... his thoughts as an artist about how he sees himself, what he wants his art to communicate about life, our connectedness, and our humanity ... this becomes the most precious object in the whole room.

And with that, like two hands snapping together, what was his became mine, what was mine became his, and they had equal value. 

And my heart stopped racing and filled with peace.

With a sigh of relief, I un-paused Mary Poppins Returns and not two minutes later, she schooled me and drove the point fully home!

Watch this video below to see what I mean...


One of the things I'm constantly going on about with my clients is the importance of checking the lens you are using to view yourself, others, even the world. And this day, I got a friendly reminder to check myself in this area of my life!

This weekend, I'll be speaking at the Institute on Violence, Abuse, and Trauma about how important focus is and how we can use the power of focus to transform ourselves and heal from trauma. I may have to start my talk with an Ode to Mary!

To shifting perspectives,


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Watch this fun video. What assumptions are you making about what's going on vs. what actually turns out to be happening?


Read more about how the frames we use impact they way we see things.


What's one thing in your life that could use a shift in perspective?





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BOOK OF THE MONTH


 

Dr. Arden culls the latest findings in neuroscience, cognitive psychology, gerontology, and many other sciences and puts them all together into a smart, actionable, science-based plan. Basing his conclusions on cutting-edge research, Dr. Arden has broken down the vast amount of confusing and sometimes conflicting brain data into the five crucial Brain Bible factors you need to be mindful of:



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UPCOMING EVENTS


August Topic: PTSD & Memories
PTSD is an anxiety disorder that is directly related to exposure to abuse and experiences of intesne fear, helplessness, or horror. We will discuss PTSD, symptoms, how memory is impacted and how to overcome PTSD.

Wednesday, July 31, 2019

August 2019: Justice

I recently had the joy of reconnecting with friend and colleague Stephanie Burns. She and I first connected about four years ago when I attended her Surviving and Thriving event that created a space for survivors to share their stories and art.
These days, Stephanie has launched a new project, Healing Courage. As a part of this project, she is hosting Consentric Circles (a play on the word consent and concentric) to bring people together in conversation because she, just as I do, believes that healing and social change occurs via powerful, heartfelt, authentic conversations.
I recently attended one of her circles, and as I stood with other women and explored topics such as what impact the trauma had on us heart, body and mind, what responses we got (or didn't get) from our family and community, and what experiences we had navigating the "justice" system, I was most impacted by this final topic.
Justice.
I reflected on my own experience navigating this desire for something like justice. My grandfather was never taken to court. It wasn't even explored as an option, and he died about a year after the abuse ended.
Because of this, the "traditional" method of obtaining justice through a court trial and some sort of punishment wasn't an option.
Because of this, my personal definition has evolved over time as I've wrestled with this and is the following:
"Justice is to live my life to the fullest, to reclaim all that I am that he tried to steal away, and to embrace each new opportunity to be the woman I am meant to be.
Justice is every client who reclaims his/her life too."
For me, the most important word there is "reclaim".
Ultimately, I believe justice is about a journey of reclamation, and there are many roads that can lead to this. I was particularly excited to learn more about transformative justice (you can read more about this in the link below!).
Now, as it happened, a few days later, while watching season 7, episode 4 of Orange Is the New Black, the main theme was crime and justice!

I was profoundly moved by the closing monologue,
"Often we don't have the capacity to deal with the chaos of life. Often there is no way to prepare for its shocks and blows. But if we are perpetually turning away from the things that are too hard to face, we are defining ourselves by what we are seeking to avoid. No one escapes this life without experiencing pain or injustice. And some people are dealt far more hardship than others. If you feel like there's no way out, if you feel hopeless, like no one cares, how do we restore justice in a world that is profoundly unfair? What do we do when we reach the place when we don't know what to do? There's no easy answer. Punishment is not the answer. Giving up is not the answer. We have to find our own answers and that can feel like its beyond our strength. But all we have to do first is try."

To trying,

Watch this powerful video in which a woman and the man who assaulted her share the stage to discuss their journey to reconciliation!


Read more about transformative justice.


What's your definition of justice?

BOOK OF THE MONTH
My Beautiful Detour offers practical strategies for individuals and unexpected tools for the families of trauma survivors, helping communities build new, limitless futures. The book includes numerous “trauma insights,” and is enriched with humor, art, poetry, and useful takeaways for readers. Reading one woman’s heroic adventure through trauma, recovery, and discovery of new directions in healing the body and the mind is an empowering tale of not just getting through, but thriving.
UPCOMING EVENTS


August Topic: Self-Care
As children most of us did not receive the kind of nurturing, love, acceptance, encouragement, and comfor we needed from our families. We may tend to care for ourselves in the same way that our families cared for us - in a negligent or even abusive fashion. We will explore what self-care is like as adults, both emotionally and physically.


Learn More & Register Here







Unifying Voices Against Violence & Abuse


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24th International Summit

on Violence, Abuse & Trauma Across the Lifespan
September 4-8, 2019

San Diego, California



I will be speaking Friday morning. Hope to see you there!


Registration Now Open!







October 25-26, 2019

Orlando, Florida


I am so excited to be presenting at this year's Courage Conference, which offers a unique opportunity to learn from survivors, advocates, and trained professionals through inspiring keynote talks and workshops. We connect attendees with reputable local and national organizations and make space for valuable connections. The Courage Conference is an ideal place for survivors, advocates, community leaders, and faith leaders to become educated about abuse from advocates who confront it and survivors who live with its effects every day. It is our goal that everyone leaves empowered to live the most courageous life possible.

Sunday, June 23, 2019

July 2019: Are you bored of your trauma story yet?

When I said yes to joining a storytelling workshop, I had no idea what I was in for! I went in thinking that I'd use this as an opportunity to explore my experience of sexual abuse from a different angle or perhaps take it to a deeper level.

But by the end of the first workday, I was so clear that I just wasn't interested in telling that story again. I wanted to explore something else.

For seven months, I wrote and crafted my original true life story. I left the story of sexual abuse behind, and explored another facet of my life - my relationship with my mom.

I've gained so much from this experience -- it's been a friendly reminder that our stories are medicine and how some stories can fade and stop being so central as new stories take the spotlight.

I was reminded of how my hope and wish for all of my clients is that they reach the place where they are somewhat "bored" of their trauma story and can be with the stories that are present and alive right now.

I'm pretty dang proud of what I created and I also believe this story can be of help and inspiration to others, so I would love for you to share this far and wide!​

With love (and practicing vulnerability),








Watch this video learn how to come out, break the silence, and share your story in a safe and when the time is right way.


Read this step-by-step guide for determining if you are ready to speak to an abuser (you will need to be a member of the Healing from Sexual Abuse Facebook group).

If you were to set your story of trauma and abuse aside, what other stories would you want to tell?






Want to learn how to Break the Silence Like a Bad Ass? 


Email me at coach@rachelgrantcoaching.com to learn more about my step-by-step process that helps you:

* determine if you’re ready to break the silence
* avoid re-traumatizing yourself and
* minimize potential fallout that often comes with this discussion



BOOK OF THE MONTH
This book chronicles the unforgettable account of one of the most severe child abuse cases in California history. It is the story of Dave Pelzer, who was brutally beaten and starved by his emotionally unstable, alcoholic mother: a mother who played tortuous, unpredictable games--games that left him nearly dead. He had to learn how to play his mother's games in order to survive because she no longer considered him a son, but a slave; and no longer a boy, but an "it."

Dave's bed was an old army cot in the basement, and his clothes were torn and raunchy. When his mother allowed him the luxury of food, it was nothing more than spoiled scraps that even the dogs refused to eat. The outside world knew nothing of his living nightmare. He had nothing or no one to turn to, but his dreams kept him alive--dreams of someone taking care of him, loving him and calling him their son.



UPCOMING EVENTS


July Topic: Living in Our Bodies
As survivors of childhood sexual abuse, many of us find living in our bodies discomforting. Our abuse is taken in through our bodies and our bodies hold a record of our memories. We will explore the discomforts and pleasures, the way healing is related, and any lessons you've learned along the way for living in your body.


Learn More & Register Here








Unifying Voices Against Violence & Abuse


screen(2).png

24th International Summit

on Violence, Abuse & Trauma Across the Lifespan
September 4-8, 2019

San Diego, California



I will be speaking Friday morning. Hope to see you there!


Registration Now Open!







October 25-26, 2019

Orlando, Florida



I am so excited to be presenting at this year's Courage Conference, which offers a unique opportunity to learn from survivors, advocates, and trained professionals through inspiring keynote talks and workshops. We connect attendees with reputable local and national organizations and make space for valuable connections. The Courage Conference is an ideal place for survivors, advocates, community leaders, and faith leaders to become educated about abuse from advocates who confront it and survivors who live with its effects every day. It is our goal that everyone leaves empowered to live the most courageous life possible.