I then shocked everyone by, rather than encouraging her to temper these feelings, to consider the benefits of jealousy and even flirting (within certain boundaries)!
I, in part, made this claim based on this great article "Happily Ever After: Could Flirting Be the Secret to a Successful Marriage" by Lori Leibovich.
She told the story of Sam and Florence, married for 59 years and hoped to find the magic bullet that made it possible for them to walk the long road together.
At one point, Leibovich says:
"... we decided that what kept them from losing interest -- from getting bored, straying or giving up -- was that they both relished small freedoms. They let themselves go -- apart from, but not in violation of, their relationship. They both were shameless, unapologetic, gifted flirts."
There is something marvelous about the dance of language, attraction, and playfulness that occurs when we flirt. The opportunity to be seen afresh and new through the eyes of someone unaccustomed to us and not privy to our scary nighttime routines or hair singeing morning breath is something to embrace rather than scorn or fear.
Yet flirting, in so many ways, is a lost art today -- often set aside altogether or replaced with overt or crass language championed as being "straight-forward". This is a great loss in my opinion.
As Leibovich points out, flirting allows us to practice clever turns of phrase or to use wit and humor.
Just the other night, one boy wandered over and blurted, "You're hot!" Now, while an appreciated observation, the boy who later said, "Do you always fill the space you are in so beautifully" clearly understood the power of language. It's these nuances that are add to the juiciness of flirting, which we don't get to experience when we just blurt out the obvious.
Additionally, the purpose of flirting is often just simply misunderstood. Leibovich puts it beautifully - it is about playing, not scoring. Flirting gives us the "opportunity to expand our fantasy life and makes our actual romances better." Yet so many of us look at flirting as a challenge to the security of our relationship or even cheating. Not so!
That said, we must understand the line between flirting and affair. As Leibovich relates after telling the story of Florence's long-standing flirtation with the neighborhood butcher,
"Had the butcher one day put down his veal chop and said, 'Mrs. Brownstein, why don't you meet me after work tonight?' the spell would have vanished, their secret world would have evaporated, all the shared moments would have instantly turned to shards of glass."
This is so perfectly said. I love the idea that flirting creates a world in which we get to play, explore, imagine -- and then come home to our partner.
So, I encourage you -- go out, create some playful worlds, turn a phrase, see yourself in new ways through the eyes of another person all while honoring the boundaries and agreements of your relationship!
*wink smile*
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A Wink and Smile by Harry Connick Jr. for some inspiration!
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Watch this talk by Vanessa Van Edwards, a "recovering awkward person" who shares a bit of the science behind attraction!
Read about the 8 ways that jealousy is good for your relationships.
What's one of your favorite ways to flirt?
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BOOK OF THE MONTH
Bestselling author Laurie Halse Anderson is known for the unflinching way she writes about, and advocates for, survivors of sexual assault. Now, inspired by her fans and enraged by how little in our culture has changed since her groundbreaking novel Speak was first published twenty years ago, she has written a poetry memoir that is as vulnerable as it is rallying, as timely as it is timeless. In free verse, Anderson shares reflections, rants, and calls to action woven between deeply personal stories from her life that she's never written about before. Described as "powerful," "captivating," and "essential" in the nine starred reviews it's received, this must-read memoir is being hailed as one of 2019's best books for teens and adults. A denouncement of our society's failures and a love letter to all the people with the courage to say #MeToo and #TimesUp, whether aloud, online, or only in their own hearts, SHOUT speaks truth to power in a loud, clear voice-- and once you hear it, it is impossible to ignore.
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UPCOMING EVENTS
October: Special Writing Workshop with Donna Jenson
I am excited to announce that Donna Jenson will be returning this year to lead her "Honoring and Using Our Voices" workshop.
Donna founded Time To Tell™ in 2009 with a mission to spark stories from lives affected by incest and sexual abuse to be told and heard. It is a sponsored project of Fractured Atlas, a non-profit arts service organization. She wrote and performs her one-woman play, What She Knows: One Woman’s Way Through Incest to Joy, which is based on her own experience of surviving incest and what she did to make her life worth living. She will be sharing he amazing gifts for tapping into voice through writing during this month's group. Do not miss this!!
Donna founded Time To Tell™ in 2009 with a mission to spark stories from lives affected by incest and sexual abuse to be told and heard. It is a sponsored project of Fractured Atlas, a non-profit arts service organization. She wrote and performs her one-woman play, What She Knows: One Woman’s Way Through Incest to Joy, which is based on her own experience of surviving incest and what she did to make her life worth living. She will be sharing he amazing gifts for tapping into voice through writing during this month's group. Do not miss this!!
Learn More & Register Here
October 25-26, 2019
Orlando, Florida
I am so excited to be presenting at this year's Courage Conference, which offers a unique opportunity to learn from survivors, advocates, and trained professionals through inspiring keynote talks and workshops. We connect attendees with reputable local and national organizations and make space for valuable connections. The Courage Conference is an ideal place for survivors, advocates, community leaders, and faith leaders to become educated about abuse from advocates who confront it and survivors who live with its effects every day. It is our goal that everyone leaves empowered to live the most courageous life possible.
Learn More & Register Here
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