August 2019: Justice

I recently had the joy of reconnecting with friend and colleague Stephanie Burns. She and I first connected about four years ago when I attended her Surviving and Thriving event that created a space for survivors to share their stories and art. These days, Stephanie has launched a new project, Healing Courage. As a part of this project, she is hosting Consentric Circles (a play on the word consent and concentric) to bring people together in conversation because she, just as I do, believes that healing and social change occurs via powerful, heartfelt, authentic conversations. I recently attended one of her circles, and as I stood with other women and explored topics such as what impact the trauma had on us heart, body and mind, what responses we got (or didn't get) from our family and community, and what experiences we had navigating the "justice" system, I was most impacted by this final topic. Justice. I reflected on my own experience navigating this desire for something like justice. My grandfather was never taken to court. It wasn't even explored as an option, and he died about a year after the abuse ended. Because of this, the "traditional" method of obtaining justice through a court trial and some sort of punishment wasn't an option. Because of this, my personal definition has evolved over time as I've wrestled with this and is the following: "Justice is to live my life to the fullest, to reclaim all that I am that he tried to steal away, and to embrace each new opportunity to be the woman I am meant to be. Justice is every client who reclaims his/her life too." For me, the most important word there is "reclaim". Ultimately, I believe justice is about a journey of reclamation, and there are many roads that can lead to this. I was particularly excited to learn more about transformative justice (you can read more about this in the link below!). Now, as it happened, a few days later, while watching season 7, episode 4 of Orange Is the New Black, the main theme was crime and justice! I was profoundly moved by the closing monologue, "Often we don't have the capacity to deal with the chaos of life. Often there is no way to prepare for its shocks and blows. But if we are perpetually turning away from the things that are too hard to face, we are defining ourselves by what we are seeking to avoid. No one escapes this life without experiencing pain or injustice. And some people are dealt far more hardship than others. If you feel like there's no way out, if you feel hopeless, like no one cares, how do we restore justice in a world that is profoundly unfair? What do we do when we reach the place when we don't know what to do? There's no easy answer. Punishment is not the answer. Giving up is not the answer. We have to find our own answers and that can feel like its beyond our strength. But all we have to do first is try." To trying, Watch this powerful video in which a woman and the man who assaulted her share the stage to discuss their journey to reconciliation! Read more about transformative justice. What's your definition of justice? BOOK OF THE MONTH My Beautiful Detour offers practical strategies for individuals and unexpected tools for the families of trauma survivors, helping communities build new, limitless futures. The book includes numerous “trauma insights,” and is enriched with humor, art, poetry, and useful takeaways for readers. Reading one woman’s heroic adventure through trauma, recovery, and discovery of new directions in healing the body and the mind is an empowering tale of not just getting through, but thriving. READ MORE HERE! UPCOMING EVENTS August Topic: Self-Care As children most of us did not receive the kind of nurturing, love, acceptance, encouragement, and comfor we needed from our families. We may tend to care for ourselves in the same way that our families cared for us - in a negligent or even abusive fashion. We will explore what self-care is like as adults, both emotionally and physically. Learn More & Register Here Unifying Voices Against Violence & Abuse 24th International Summit on Violence, Abuse & Trauma Across the Lifespan September 4-8, 2019 San Diego, California I will be speaking Friday morning. Hope to see you there! Registration Now Open! October 25-26, 2019 Orlando, Florida I am so excited to be presenting at this year's Courage Conference, which offers a unique opportunity to learn from survivors, advocates, and trained professionals through inspiring keynote talks and workshops. We connect attendees with reputable local and national organizations and make space for valuable connections. The Courage Conference is an ideal place for survivors, advocates, community leaders, and faith leaders to become educated about abuse from advocates who confront it and survivors who live with its effects every day. It is our goal that everyone leaves empowered to live the most courageous life possible. Learn More & Register Here Sunday, June 23, 2019 July 2019: Are you bored of your trauma story yet? When I said yes to joining a storytelling workshop, I had no idea what I was in for! I went in thinking that I'd use this as an opportunity to explore my experience of sexual abuse from a different angle or perhaps take it to a deeper level. But by the end of the first workday, I was so clear that I just wasn't interested in telling that story again. I wanted to explore something else. For seven months, I wrote and crafted my original true life story. I left the story of sexual abuse behind, and explored another facet of my life - my relationship with my mom. I've gained so much from this experience -- it's been a friendly reminder that our stories are medicine and how some stories can fade and stop being so central as new stories take the spotlight. I was reminded of how my hope and wish for all of my clients is that they reach the place where they are somewhat "bored" of their trauma story and can be with the stories that are present and alive right now. I'm pretty dang proud of what I created and I also believe this story can be of help and inspiration to others, so I would love for you to share this far and wide!​ With love (and practicing vulnerability), https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-NKVKtsWS4c&feature=youtu.be  Watch this video learn how to come out, break the silence, and share your story in a safe and when the time is right way. Read this step-by-step guide for determining if you are ready to speak to an abuser (you will need to be a member of the Healing from Sexual Abuse Facebook group). If you were to set your story of trauma and abuse aside, what other stories would you want to tell? Want to learn how to Break the Silence Like a Bad Ass?  Email me at coach@rachelgrantcoaching.com to learn more about my step-by-step process that helps you: * determine if you’re ready to break the silence * avoid re-traumatizing yourself and * minimize potential fallout that often comes with this discussion BOOK OF THE MONTH This book chronicles the unforgettable account of one of the most severe child abuse cases in California history. It is the story of Dave Pelzer, who was brutally beaten and starved by his emotionally unstable, alcoholic mother: a mother who played tortuous, unpredictable games--games that left him nearly dead. He had to learn how to play his mother's games in order to survive because she no longer considered him a son, but a slave; and no longer a boy, but an "it." Dave's bed was an old army cot in the basement, and his clothes were torn and raunchy. When his mother allowed him the luxury of food, it was nothing more than spoiled scraps that even the dogs refused to eat. The outside world knew nothing of his living nightmare. He had nothing or no one to turn to, but his dreams kept him alive--dreams of someone taking care of him, loving him and calling him their son. READ MORE HERE! UPCOMING EVENTS July Topic: Living in Our Bodies As survivors of childhood sexual abuse, many of us find living in our bodies discomforting. Our abuse is taken in through our bodies and our bodies hold a record of our memories. We will explore the discomforts and pleasures, the way healing is related, and any lessons you've learned along the way for living in your body. Learn More & Register Here Unifying Voices Against Violence & Abuse 24th International Summit on Violence, Abuse & Trauma Across the Lifespan September 4-8, 2019 San Diego, California I will be speaking Friday morning. Hope to see you there! Registration Now Open! October 25-26, 2019 Orlando, Florida I am so excited to be presenting at this year's Courage Conference, which offers a unique opportunity to learn from survivors, advocates, and trained professionals through inspiring keynote talks and workshops. We connect attendees with reputable local and national organizations and make space for valuable connections. The Courage Conference is an ideal place for survivors, advocates, community leaders, and faith leaders to become educated about abuse from advocates who confront it and survivors who live with its effects every day. It is our goal that everyone leaves empowered to live the most courageous life possible. Learn More & Register Here Sunday, June 2, 2019 June 2019: What the hell does it mean to be healed? Recently, I had the great pleasure of connecting with Contessa Akin, Intuitive Life Coach, World Class Rebel, Speaker, and Author. Within minutes, I knew we were kindred spirits, and we decided we'd have a good ol' fashioned chat to share our stories and perspectives about healing. The result is this video in which we: * Share our stories of trauma and how we got to where we are today * We each share about the healing modalities that have made the biggest difference for us - NLP for Contessa, Neuroscience/CBT for me * We share some of our favorite strategies for dealing with triggers and negative thoughts * We discuss our personal take on what it means to be healed Check it out! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N9gxp5hkuCY Here's a bit more about Contessa: “Do you have a plan?" asked the lady on the other end of the phone. Sitting on the couch, my babies were climbing up my legs, smiling, patting me; I was gazing straight ahead, I was so numbed out that I didn’t even realize my husband called a suicide crisis hotline for me. Up to that moment I had been a victim. I experienced a wide range of abuse in my entire life. At six years old, I was raped by a stranger, a rape that was facilitated by my biological mother and where my half-sister guarded the door. I was betrayed by the very people who were supposed to protect me and hold me dear. The initial abuse led to the next abuse and the abuse after that. I attached myself to guilt instead of anger, shame instead of resentment, responsibility instead of blame. The world had taught me no one could be trusted, no one could be counted on, and no one would be there for me when I needed them most. From a young age, I had been in counseling, attended group meetings, read the self-help books, been called to the school's counselor office, joined the military, moved around the world. None of that made any difference. I was still in pain and super frustrated. In that instant of hearing that questions, “Do you have a plan?” I had a thought that occurred that wasn’t about just me and my pain, I considered my kids just might get hurt. Killing myself would be betraying them just my biological mother betrayed me. I knew the pain that they would have to endure.  So, I made a decision. I was going to be honest with myself. Being honest was me opening the roadmap to a new possibility. Connect with Contessa: www.lessonsfromadversity.com www.RebelRisingFBGroup.com To healing, P.S. Contessa is this month's guest blogger! So be sure to pop over to http://rachelgrantcoaching.blogspot.com/ each Wednesday to learn more from Contessa! Watch this video to learn an NLP technique for eliminating unwanted thoughts. Read this to learn five brain exercises that will strengthen your mind. What healing modalities have you found to be the most helpful? What other modalities might you explore to expand your toolkit? BOOK OF THE MONTH Internationally recognized Parenting Expert, Madeleine Davis brings together 30 top experts to contribute their best strategies in their area of expertise to help mothers be the best they can be so they can get inspired, find answers, begin to take action and see results! AND, my colleague, Janine Naus, is the featured expert on grief and trauma relief. READ MORE HERE! UPCOMING EVENTS June Topic: Growing Up Growing up is difficult to do when the natural progression of developmental steps is derailed by childhood sexual abuse. As survivors, growing up ends up happening as part of the larger healing process we go through as adults, long after the sexual abuse is over. We’ll talk about what it’s like as a survivor to grow up later in later, to recognize “developmental delays” in ourselves, to connect these with the abuse, to go through the mourning, and to learn to become self-loving, empowered adults. Learn More & Register Here Unifying Voices Against Violence & Abuse 24th International Summit on Violence, Abuse & Trauma Across the Lifespan September 4-8, 2019 San Diego, California Mark Your Calendar! Registration Coming Soon! October 25-26, 2019 Orlando, Florida I am so excited to be presenting at this year's Courage Conference, which offers a unique opportunity to learn from survivors, advocates, and trained professionals through inspiring keynote talks and workshops. We connect attendees with reputable local and national organizations and make space for valuable connections. The Courage Conference is an ideal place for survivors, advocates, community leaders, and faith leaders to become educated about abuse from advocates who confront it and survivors who live with its effects every day. It is our goal that everyone leaves empowered to live the most courageous life possible. Learn More & Register Here Monday, May 6, 2019 May 2019: If you can't say something nice... Have you ever heard of "spontaneous trait transference"? Essentially, studies show that, because of this psychological phenomenon, people unintentionally transfer to you the traits that you ascribe to other people. So, if I tell Nathan that Mark is arrogant and unreliable, Nathan associates that quality with me! On the other hand, if I say that Mark is funny and intelligent, I'm linked to those qualities. What I say about other people sticks to me - even when I talk to someone who already knows me. Furthermore, this impacts the trust and intimacy of our relationships and creates "false connections". Brene Brown breaks that down in her podcast on "The Anatomy of Trust": https://podcast.app/dr-brene-brown-the-anatomy-of-trust-e56803367/ So, the next time we find ourselves wanting to say something critical, we would do well to be mindful that doing so greatly impacts how people see us and the health of our relationships! I guess that old saying isn't so off the mark!! You are powerful, Watch this video to hear my take on how we can build trusting relationships. Read this article to learn how you can maintain intimacy in long-term relationships. What can you do this month to be more mindful about the words you use about others? __________________________________________________________________________ BOOK OF THE MONTH Passionate Marriage has long been recognized as the pioneering book on intimate human relationships. Now with a new preface by the author, this updated edition explores the ways we can keep passion alive and even reach the height of sexual and emotional fulfillment later in life. Acclaimed psychologist David Schnarch guides couples toward greater intimacy with proven techniques developed in his clinical practice and worldwide workshops. Chapters―covering everything from understanding love relationships to helpful "tools for connections" to keeping the sparks alive years down the road―provide the scaffolding for overcoming sexual and emotional problems. This inspirational book is sure to help couples invigorate their relationships and reach the fullest potential in their love lives. READ MORE HERE! __________________________________________________________________________ UPCOMING EVENTS May Topic: Authority Issues Growing up is difficult to do when the natural progression of developmental steps is derailed by childhood sexual abuse. As survivors, growing up ends up happening as part of the larger healing process we go through as adults, long after the sexual abuse is over. We’ll talk about what it’s like as a survivor to grow up later in later, to recognize “developmental delays” in ourselves, to connect these with the abuse, to go through the mourning, and to learn to become self-loving, empowered adults. Learn More & Register Here __________________________________________________________________________ Unifying Voices Against Violence & Abuse 24th International Summit on Violence, Abuse & Trauma Across the Lifespan September 4-8, 2019 San Diego, California Mark Your Calendar! Registration Coming Soon! __________________________________________________________________________ October 25-26, 2019 Orlando, Florida I am so excited to be presenting at this year's Courage Conference, which offers a unique opportunity to learn from survivors, advocates, and trained professionals through inspiring keynote talks and workshops. We connect attendees with reputable local and national organizations and make space for valuable connections. The Courage Conference is an ideal place for survivors, advocates, community leaders, and faith leaders to become educated about abuse from advocates who confront it and survivors who live with its effects every day. It is our goal that everyone leaves empowered to live the most courageous life possible. Learn More & Register Here Thursday, March 28, 2019 April 2019: What can you do to prevent child abuse? Welcome to April - Child Abuse Awareness & Prevention Month. When facing an epidemic (which child abuse is in my opinion), we really need to be aware and in prevention mode every month -- but! I get it....having a dedicated month signals to our society that this matters, it's important, pay attention. Today, I want to encourage you to get involved and there are lots of ways you can! 1. Visit childwelfare.gov and explore the resources they have available. 2. Use their calendars to be mindful of doing a little something each day. 3. Share your story with someone you love and trust (the more we discuss this topic, the less stigmatized it becomes.) 4. Volunteer at a shelter or with an organization. I particularly love Lauren's Kids. 5. Set up a screening of the film Resilience (one of my client's who is a teacher is doing this for the parents and teachers at her school!). And remember, as Robert Uttaro says, "...no matter how much evil I see, I think it’s important for everyone to understand that there is much more light than darkness.”  Standing with you in the light so we can continue to battle the darkness. Encouraging you, in the face of your own pain and trauma, to step outside of that for even a moment this month and consider what role you might play in the life of another who is hurting. And, as always, if there is anything I can do to support you in your healing journey - don't hesitate to reach out! Soldiering on, Watch this video to hear my take on parenting to prevent the next generation of #metoo stories. Read this article to learn how you can talk to children about consent. What can you do this month to raise awareness and get involved? ____________________________________________________ BOOK OF THE MONTH Parenting with PTSD is an anthology and workbook for parents who are survivors of childhood abuse. Editors Joyelle Brandt and Dawn Daum are survivors of childhood abuse working to break the cycle for their own families. Raising children as an abuse survivor is often a lonely and isolating experience, as the triggers and flashbacks of abuse can be hard for non-survivors to understand. When they were looking for stories of how other survivors coped, and couldn't find any, they decided that something needed to change. So together they started an online community specifically for parent survivors, and started collecting essays to create Parenting with PTSD. Breaking the silence allows for an honest conversation about the lifetime journey of healing from childhood trauma. This is a combination of essays, journal questions, and recommended resources. It is intended to be a starting point to more conversations about how we can heal both individually and within our families, communities, and institutions. READ MORE HERE! ____________________________________________________ UPCOMING EVENTS April Topic: Visibility & Invisibility As survivors of sexual abuse, we often have very complicated feelings about visibility and invisibility. Most of us don’t choose one over the other all of the time. This month, we will explore how we feel about being visible/invisible and the impact this has on our sense of self, our relationships, our enjoyment of life, and our careers. 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