November 2018: Overcoming Nightmares

I used to have a recurring nightmare. I would wake up, or so I thought, and begin moving about, only to realize a few minutes later that I wasn't awake - I was still in bed asleep, but was partially conscious and yet could not move. I would struggle and struggle to lift my arm so I'd know I was awake. I finally would, only to once again realize I was still asleep and my arm hadn't moved at all. 

This dream kept happening for months - not every night - but often enough that it was really having an impact.

One night, I finally woke up from one of these dreams but was so jarred that I ran to the living room and my then husband followed me. I was sitting in a ball on the couch asking over and over again, "Am I awake? Am I really awake?!"

Now, I'm not one to put too much stock in dreams and yet dreams can often be a gateway to understanding something that we've been missing, connecting to a part of ourselves, and for some, can give insight into things to come.

I was fed up with this dream, and so I decided to try to understand it - what was this dream trying to get me to see? I asked myself this question and others like, "What are the themes of this dream and where do those themes show up in my life right now?"

As I began to connect with this feeling of paralysis that came over me in my dreams, I started to notice how this feeling was also present when it came to my healing. See at this time in my life, I was only just beginning to deal with the fact that I had been abused, that I was currently being abused by my husband, and that I had to do something about it - but I didn't know what to do or where to start - I felt, well, paralyzed.

I won't say that this magically changed everything, but it did help me put into perspective what I was experiencing. And as I began taking steps towards healing, and definitely once I was divorced and out of that abusive relationship, these dreams became a thing of the past.

Today, if you are haunted by your dreams, I hope you'll take some time to consider what they might be trying to tell you!



Wishing you sweet dreams,

Watch this video to learn more about we can learn from our dreams.


 
Read this article to learn more about the correlation between sleep disorders and trauma.


What are your dreams trying to tell you?

BOOK OF THE MONTH

Let It Rain: Inspirational Writings
by Rev. Christopher S. Times

Let It Rain: Inspirational Writings Is a book of poetry written by the author, Rev. Christopher S. Times, to encourage and offer a deep reflective searching of the meaning of struggle and resilience.

Chris is also a Comment Moderator in ourHealing from Sexual Abuse Facebook Group!

READ MORE HERE!

UPCOMING EVENTS

Bay Area!

I hope you will join me for this FREE live workshop...

"Taking Charge of Your Trauma Brain"

November 17th, 7p-8:30p PT

Oakland, California

• Explore the impact that focus has on our ability to heal from abuse
• Discover the #1 point of focus that is keeping you stuck and frustrated
• Identify the lies you are buying into that keep you feeling broken and unfixable
• Learn key strategies to retrain the brain, heal the nervous system, and put an end to PTSD

REGISTER HERE

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Interested in knowing how the experts are parenting their kids? Would you like to learn from them for free? Join me for Preventing The Next Generation’s #MeToo Stories, a FREE interview seriesfeaturing the BEST parenting tools and strategies from leading experts in the parenting and health education fields. I'm so thrilled to be a part of this series and to be joining with others in having powerful conversations about prevention.

REGISTER HERE

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October Topic: Moving Forward

As survivors of CSA, most of us are asked at some point, “Why can’t you just move on?” While there is such a thing as moving on, arriving at a sense of resolution only happens with the emotional work and only happens on our own time line.


Learn More & Register Here

Rachel Grant, M.A. Counseling Psychology
Sexual Abuse Recovery Coach
415.484.5682
www.rachelgrantcoaching.com

"What you think, you create"

October 2018: Putting an end to codependency...

“A codependent person is someone who has let another person’s behavior change the way they think, believe, behave and act in order to make the other person happy at the expense of their own mental, emotional or physical health.”

~ Dana Zarcone, Founder of Source Your Joy 

I first came across this definition of codependency back in February 2016 when my colleague Dana did a series on the topic for my blog.

As soon as I read that, so much of my life made sense! I was immediately taken back to my teenage years, when every boy who approached me quickly became my entire universe. Now some of that is just being a teenager, but it feels like the dial was turned up to a bit extra for me. Within days, this new person would become the center of my universe, and I immediately activated my chameleon powers to warp and twist myself into whatever I felt or was told would make the guy happy.

I remember at the time feeling the sting when it didn't seem to lead to the result I wanted more than anything - to feel deeply loved and known and accepted.

Fast forward to my 20s and the years I spent with in an abusive relationship with a person who would in one breath chastise me for being so malleable and having "no backbone" to being chastised for not falling in line.

Fast forward to my 30s when I was out of that abusive relationship and thrust back into the dating world after being out of it for ten years! Yikes! I was determined that this time around things would be different. I don't have space here to tell you all of the things I did to ensure that happened, but I will tell you one thing I learned that surprised me the most.

When I learned to courageously show up as myself, unwavering, authentic, just as I am and want to be, the quality of men who showed up in my life absolutely changed! And even more surprising was that in being this way, adamant that I would not sacrifice myself, do things that were at the expense of my own health and well-being, my relationships were stronger and I finally got what I'd been longing for for so long.

Of course, it makes total sense to me now, but for most of my life, I was trying to get at this from a very hurt, broken, and misinformed place. And the final surprise, all of those chameleon powers that in one form caused me harm actually transformed into one of my superpowers, making it possible for me to relate to and connect to a wide variety of people, which definitely plays a huge role in the work I do everyday!

Today, I love being in an interdependent relationship. One in which we are each our own individuals, yet we influence and help each other grow in loving ways, while maintaining our own loves and interests, and neither of us have to lose ourselves, rather we both get to remain as our full, whole, messy, beautiful selves and soak in the wonder of being loved just as we are.

This is what I wish for all of you to have in your life whether it be from a friend, family member, or lover. And I bet for some of you this may feel like a long ways off, so I just send you loving encouragement today to keep getting to know you and believing that that you is lovable, and powerful, and imperfectly perfect.


To interdependence,


me and my baby cheesin' it up 

P.S. I know some of you may have expected me to write about the current political environment and the Ford vs. Kavanaugh case. I haven't here because I myself feel inundated with news and videos and opinions about this, so decided to not add more to the pile at this time. That said, I'm watching and I'm with you fellow community of survivors in you pain, outrage, frustration, sadness and whatever else you might be feeling!

Watch this video to learn more about what codependency is.


 
Read this article to learn some of the surprising benefits of codependency!

What's one way you can take better care of you today rather than taking care of others at your own expense?

BOOK OF THE MONTH

But He'll Change: End the Thinking That
Keeps You in an Abusive Relationship

by Joanna V. Hunter

A survivor of domestic violence offers women the tools needed to work through the excuses they tell themselves that keep them in abusive relationships--and to make positive changes in their lives.

He loves me. He has a really sweet side. I am all he has. If only his boss wouldn't put him under so much stress. At least he doesn't hit me. He won't do it again. I can't do anything right.

In this compassionate book, Joanna v. Hunter helps women face, head on, the excuses they tell themselves that keep them in abusive relationships. Using expert advice complemented by her story and the stories of dozens of other women who have survived and turned away from domestic violence, Hunter teaches women to identify the lies they've accepted, understand what healthy thinking sounds like, stop taking the blame for their partner's behavior, identify power and control plays, and stick up for their own needs and plans for their safety.

With each self-defeating message addressed in But He'll Change, Hunter offers counter messages designed to help women build strength and hope. Readers will develop the tools to operate not as victims, but as survivors, understanding the power that they hold to change their lives.

READ MORE HERE!

UPCOMING EVENTS

MY VOICE AFTER #METOO

A 4-Part Master Class

Presented by Angela Rae Clark

Pay what you can!

I am very pleased to share with you this opportunity to connect with my friend and colleague Angela Rae Clark. 

This "pay what you can" four part master class will guide you in addressing:

* Why sexual abuse impacts our voice, literally and figuratively.

* How your voice can become a tool in your recovery and help you gain momentum

* How speech patterns can keep us stuck

* What is the vagus nerve and how does it impact our voice?

* Tools that will interrupt the speech patterns and give our voice strength

If you have ever felt like your truth didn't matter, this class is for you. You will learn several practical tools that will help your voice be more powerful and help you release the echo of childhood sexual abuse. Your voice is powerful. Angela's personal story and recovery will inspire you to take steps with your voice.

Angela shares the tools and practices that helped her tell her truth of abuse and exploitation as a child when she was 42 for the first time in her life.

REGISTER HERE

Check out this recent podcast Angela and I did together!

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October Topic: Sexuality

As survivors, we all have complex feelings associated with our childhood sexual abuse that interfere with sexual comfort, pleasure, and satisfaction. We will be exploring what we’ve found helpful in our sexual healing as survivors.

Learn More & Register Here

Rachel Grant, M.A. Counseling Psychology
Sexual Abuse Recovery Coach
415.484.5682
www.rachelgrantcoaching.com

"What you think, you create"

September 2018: That weekend when I dressed up like Britney Spears...

I spent this past weekend with one of my favorite people in the world in an all out Britney Spears themed bachelorette party. When I say full out, I mean, FULL OUT!

Each of the guests picked a different Britney to be. We each put a lot of love and effort into our outfits and the bride to be was over the moon with joy. She shrieked when we broke out in a flashmob to one of her favorite songs (which we ended up doing at every bar we hit up throughout the weekend!).

Now, the reason why I tell you all this is because when seven women dress up like different Britney's and hit the Castro District of San Francisco -- oh honey, it's on!

Now, I was somewhat prepared for the attention, oooo's and aaaaaaah's, and people wanting to take our pictures. What I wasn't necessarily prepared for was the level to which my ability to set boundaries was going to be tested. 

Almost from the get go, people came up and would grab my arm to maneuver me into a position for a photo, demand that we pose a certain way, want to tell their entire life story to me or particularly the bride to be (she's "Circus" Britney - the one with the blond hair)!

At one point, one woman was being so intrusive that I had to pull her aside and tell her that I needed to get my friend home, that her saying whatever she wanted to say wasn't my priority, I love you as a human being, but you've got to step off!

This is one of the moments in my life when I was so so glad that I've done a lot of work to become comfortable saying no, making specific and clear requests of people, and feeling empowered to take care of me and those I care about even if people get their feelings hurt.

I promise you, had I faced these "boundary leaks" years ago, I wouldn't have known what to do and wouldn't have had the confidence and power to speak up. 

As survivors of abuse and trauma, finding our voices and setting boundaries can be challenging, and I share this story with you to let you know it is not impossible -- and it can come in handy in some very unexpected ways!


To our voices,

P.S. If you missed my Master Class on "How to Set Boundaries & Communicate with Ease" you can get the mp3 download for just $10 now!

Watch to learn why good boundaries set you free!



Read how abuse causes the brain to be wired for fear.



What is one boundary you could set today that would bring you more freedom?

BOOK OF THE MONTH

Releasing Your Authentic Self:
A Daily Guide to Help Child Abuse and Trauma Survivors Rediscover Themselves

by Svava Brooks

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to live your life as the awesome person you used to be before child abuse and trauma shattered your world? If so, Releasing Your Authentic Self: A Daily Guide to Help Child Abuse and Trauma Survivors Rediscover Themselves is the tool you’ve been searching for. Child abuse teaches you to hide the real you (your authentic self). The exercises in this book were designed to help you release that incredible part of yourself. Finally, you’ll have everything you need to begin this amazing journey of rediscovery!

READ MORE HERE!

UPCOMING EVENTS

Join Me for This Free Webinar!

TAKING CHARGE OF YOUR TRAUMA BRAIN

September 19th, 9:00a PT / 12:00p ET

I am so excited to be teaming up with Frances Goodall from The Women's Wellness Circle to bring you this very special event.

During this interactive workshop and Q&A, I will share about the key turning point in my own journey when I realized I didn't have to spend the rest of my life in recovery. 


With my guidance, you will:

* Explore the impact that focus has on our ability to heal from abuse

* Discover the #1 point of focus that is keeping you stuck and frustrated

* Learn key strategies to retrain the brain, heal the nervous system, and put an end to PTSD

REGISTER HERE

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September Topic:

Special Guest, Donna Jenson joins us to

lead us in a powerful workshop!

Honoring and Using Our Voices
 

What we have to say is important. What we have to say is well worth being honored.

One way we honor each other’s voices is by actively listening to each other’s writing.  This act of listening, in and of itself both confirms and affirms each narrator that what they have to say is worthy of our undivided attention.  And when our circle goes one step further to tell the narrator what has stayed with us from a piece of writing they are given the profound message that their voice has been received and heard.

Come join us to discover what we each have to express in a timed and guided writing process and share what was written, if you so choose, within a supportive group of survivors.

Learn More & Register Here

Rachel Grant, M.A. Counseling Psychology
Sexual Abuse Recovery Coach
415.484.5682
www.rachelgrantcoaching.com

"What you think, you create"

August 2018: What would you do if you saw a man being abused?

It's so important, as we continue to evolve the #metoo movement, that we consider the stories of male survivors. So this year, I've been making a pointed effort to speak to more men about the abuse they have experienced across the span of their lives. It's been so amazing to connect with Johnnie Calloway, who shared his story of being abused by his step-mom, Matt Pappas who talked about navigating the sometimes overwhelming journey of healing, Dolan Mayeda who explored how he overcame shame, and Patrick Bennet whowrote about his experience of being abused by a priest. Beyond that, I've read the many posts shared by men in my Healing from Sexual Abuse Facebook group.  I've joined forces with Male Survivors United to support them in their efforts to create safe spaces for men to come together in community. I also completed my second group program for men and was so inspired and blown away by the way these men came together and the powerful healing work they did. What has become clear to me is that we still have a lot of work to do to make sure that male survivors have access to resources, are taken seriously and are not ostracized or pushed to the edges of a movement that I believe needs to embrace all stories of trauma. This will require that we overcome our social biases towards men (check out the video below to see what I mean!). And while there is plenty of work to do, I am also encouraged to see more and more men coming forward, especially celebrities who are using their fame to open up conversations, such as Shia LaBeouf, Tyler Perry,Tim Roth, Junot Diaz, and most recently Terry Crews. If you are a male survivor and are looking for resources, please go hereand also feel free to reach out to me if there is anything I can do to be a support to you. For my female readers, I want to encourage you today to keep an eye out in your community for the men who may be silently suffering. We know that 1 in 5 men have experienced sexual abuse - so it's likely there is someone in your community who you have more in common with than you might think! Healing for all, Watch how people respond when a woman abuses a man in public Read 10 Characteristics of Emotionally Abusive Women What biases do you have about abuse based on gender?

BOOK OF THE MONTH The Soul of Money by Lynne Twist   This liberating book shows us that examining our attitudes toward money―earning it, spending it, and giving it away―offers surprising insight into our lives. Through personal stories and practical advice, Lynne Twist asks us to discover our relationship with money, understand how we use it, and by assessing our core human values, align our relationship with it to our desired goals. In doing so, we can transform our lives.   READ MORE HERE! UPCOMING EVENTS Join Me for This Live Master Class! August 29th, 3:30p PT / 6:30p ET   Are you fed up with feeling like a doormat? Are you so busy rescuing everybody else that you can't take care of yourself? One of the greatest impacts of abuse is we develop an inability to speak up for ourselves, ask for what we need, or honestly communicate what we think or feel about a situation. We feel compelled to conceal, to hide our genuine thoughts, feelings, and, ultimately, ourselves. So how in the world are we going to be able to set boundaries!? Boy have I been there! And I can't wait to share with you what helped me put an end to running away from communicating so I could finally set the boundaries in my life that were needed in order to feel safe, free up my time and energy, and finally break free of taking care of everyone else but me. BY PARTICIPATING IN THIS 60-MIN MASTER CLASS, YOU WILL: Gain access to two kick ass strategies that will empower you to speak up Explore in a safe step-by-step way the impact that not setting boundaries is having on your life and relationships Identify the actions you can take when someone doesn't respect your boundaries so you can feel safer and more confident Learn practical, easy to use strategies for how to put an end to taking care of everybody else   REGISTER HERE   August Topic: Trust & Safety Because the people we trusted as children ended up betraying and abandoning us, we often end up as adult survivors preoccupied, if not obsessed, with safety. We may live in a chronic state of hyper-vigilance, waiting and watching for the first signs of danger, and interpreting – or misinterpreting – events accordingly. Learn More & Register Here Rachel Grant, M.A. Counseling Psychology Sexual Abuse Recovery Coach 415.484.5682 www.rachelgrantcoaching.com "What you think, you create"

July 2018: How to make #metoo more than a hashtag?

A few weekends ago, I was in Tucson, Arizona - joined by survivors, advocates, and amazing men and women who are sharing their wisdom and healing modalities with others. The purpose of the conference was two fold: teach survivors tools, strategies to support them in their healing and to spur conversation about how we can move the Me Too movement forward, to make sure that it is more than just a hashtag. A local news station even came out to cover the event: I was so inspired by the other men and women who have been working in this field for 40+ years. I was also encouraged by the voices of the 20-somethings in the room who are fired up and full of ideas and spirit. There are so many layers to this issues, and yet there are very real, tangible things we can all do: On a personal level: Provide support and encouragement to the people closest to you. Share your story when it is safe to do so -- you never know who you might help and who you might help find their voice when you speak your truth. Speak up when people around you are using language that perpetuates stereotypes, male dominance, rape culture. On a local level: Bring people together in your community (including men!) to connect and explore solutions.. On a national level: Engage with your local and national leaders. My favorite tools for doing so are 5calls.org and Resistbot. At the end of the day, there are hundreds of ways we can participate in this movement, and I left the conference feeling inspired and clear that we all have a hand to play! More than just a hastag, Watch Victoria Steele (Arizona Legislator & Counselor who I had the pleasure of meeting at the conference) speak about how to put an end to sexual violence Read Monica Casper's (I also got to meet her at the conference!) article, "Toward a Theory and Praxis of Sustainable Feminism" What can you do this month on a personal, local, or national level to move the #metoo movement forward?

BOOK OF THE MONTH 10 books to read during the #metoo era READ MORE HERE! UPCOMING EVENTS SNAP Annual Conference A conference for Survivors of Sexual Trauma & Their Supporters Join Rachel Grant, guest speaker, for this epic event. #timetoheal July 6 & 7 Chicago, Illinois SNAP was founded in 1988 as a self-help support group for those who were sexually violated. This summer, they celebrate their 30th year supporting survivors, protecting children, and raising community awareness through education and advocacy. I'll be there to speak about how we can take charge of the trauma brain and move forward with our lives! Join the movement and share this post with your community #timetoheal #breakthesilence Learn more! July Topic: Trauma & Re-enactment This is an issue we all need to be aware of as survivors of childhood sexual abuse. Re-enactment is about the unconscious drive in all of us to master our traumatic experiences and triumph over the past. And it is possible to become caught up in behaviors that re-enact the experiences we had as children of dysfunction, poor care, exploitation, and shame. Learn More & Register Here Rachel Grant, M.A. Counseling Psychology Sexual Abuse Recovery Coach 415.484.5682 www.rachelgrantcoaching.com "What you think, you create"