Have you ever heard of "spontaneous trait transference"? Essentially, studies show that, because of this psychological phenomenon, people unintentionally transfer to you the traits that you ascribe to other people. So, if I tell Nathan that Mark is arrogant and unreliable, Nathan associates that quality with me! On the other hand, if I say that Mark is funny and intelligent, I'm linked to those qualities. What I say about other people sticks to me - even when I talk to someone who already knows me. Furthermore, this impacts the trust and intimacy of our relationships and creates "false connections". Brene Brown breaks that down in her podcast on "The Anatomy of Trust": https://podcast.app/dr-brene-brown-the-anatomy-of-trust-e56803367/ So, the next time we find ourselves wanting to say something critical, we would do well to be mindful that doing so greatly impacts how people see us and the health of our relationships! I guess that old saying isn't so off the mark!! You are powerful,
Watch this video to hear my take on how we can build trusting relationships. Read this article to learn how you can maintain intimacy in long-term relationships. What can you do this month to be more mindful about the words you use about others?
Passionate Marriage has long been recognized as the pioneering book on intimate human relationships. Now with a new preface by the author, this updated edition explores the ways we can keep passion alive and even reach the height of sexual and emotional fulfillment later in life. Acclaimed psychologist David Schnarch guides couples toward greater intimacy with proven techniques developed in his clinical practice and worldwide workshops. Chapters―covering everything from understanding love relationships to helpful "tools for connections" to keeping the sparks alive years down the road―provide the scaffolding for overcoming sexual and emotional problems. This inspirational book is sure to help couples invigorate their relationships and reach the fullest potential in their love lives.
Growing up is difficult to do when the natural progression of developmental steps is derailed by childhood sexual abuse. As survivors, growing up ends up happening as part of the larger healing process we go through as adults, long after the sexual abuse is over. We’ll talk about what it’s like as a survivor to grow up later in later, to recognize “developmental delays” in ourselves, to connect these with the abuse, to go through the mourning, and to learn to become self-loving, empowered adults. Learn More & Register Here
I am so excited to be presenting at this year's Courage Conference, which offers a unique opportunity to learn from survivors, advocates, and trained professionals through inspiring keynote talks and workshops. We connect attendees with reputable local and national organizations and make space for valuable connections. The Courage Conference is an ideal place for survivors, advocates, community leaders, and faith leaders to become educated about abuse from advocates who confront it and survivors who live with its effects every day. It is our goal that everyone leaves empowered to live the most courageous life possible.
Welcome to April - Child Abuse Awareness & Prevention Month. When facing an epidemic (which child abuse is in my opinion), we really need to be aware and in prevention mode every month -- but! I get it....having a dedicated month signals to our society that this matters, it's important, pay attention.
Today, I want to encourage you to get involved and there are lots of ways you can!
1. Visit childwelfare.gov and explore the resources they have available.
"...no matter how much evil I see, I think it’s important for everyone to understand that there is much more light than darkness.”
Standing with you in the light so we can continue to battle the darkness.
Encouraging you, in the face of your own pain and trauma, to step outside of that for even a moment this month and consider what role you might play in the life of another who is hurting.
And, as always, if there is anything I can do to support you in your healing journey - don't hesitate to reach out!
Soldiering on,
Watch this video to hear my take on parenting to prevent the next generation of #metoo stories.
Read this article to learn how you can talk to children about consent.
What can you do this month to raise awareness and get involved?
Parenting with PTSD is an anthology and workbook for parents who are survivors of childhood abuse. Editors Joyelle Brandt and Dawn Daum are survivors of childhood abuse working to break the cycle for their own families. Raising children as an abuse survivor is often a lonely and isolating experience, as the triggers and flashbacks of abuse can be hard for non-survivors to understand. When they were looking for stories of how other survivors coped, and couldn't find any, they decided that something needed to change. So together they started an online community specifically for parent survivors, and started collecting essays to create Parenting with PTSD. Breaking the silence allows for an honest conversation about the lifetime journey of healing from childhood trauma. This is a combination of essays, journal questions, and recommended resources. It is intended to be a starting point to more conversations about how we can heal both individually and within our families, communities, and institutions.
As survivors of sexual abuse, we often have very complicated feelings about visibility and invisibility. Most of us don’t choose one over the other all of the time. This month, we will explore how we feel about being visible/invisible and the impact this has on our sense of self, our relationships, our enjoyment of life, and our careers.
Today, I'd like to introduce you to Sheri, who became a Beyond Survivor in 2018. She shares with you a bit about her journey and what she gained from our time working together.
"I was really stuck...she taught us about how the brain works and it was the first time anyone explained to me what trauma did to my brain. As a result I started having less triggers. She made recovery fun, personal, powerful, effective, long-lasting."
I am always so honored when my clients step forward in this way to share their story, and I am always inspired by their journey, their courage, and the amazing transformations, and Sheri is no exception. I hope you will be encouraged by her story!
A Little Life follows four college classmates—broke, adrift, and buoyed only by their friendship and ambition—as they move to New York in search of fame and fortune. While their relationships, which are tinged by addiction, success, and pride, deepen over the decades, the men are held together by their devotion to the brilliant, enigmatic Jude, a man scarred by an unspeakable childhood trauma. A hymn to brotherly bonds and a masterful depiction of love in the twenty-first century, Hanya Yanagihara’s stunning novel is about the families we are born into, and those that we make for ourselves.
Join Sexual Abuse Recovery Coach, Rachel Grant for this down-to-earth and transformational group program!
My Beyond Surviving Program is my in-depth program of live coaching calls and support that teach you how to finally be free of the past and move on with your life.
It's for you if you want step-by-step support to reliably and consistently navigate life with clarity and ease.
This program is designed for all types of survivors who are sick and tired of going around the same mountain over and over again and who want to learn specific tools and skills for transforming their lives.
In the Beyond Surviving program, I've combined what I have learned through my own journey of recovery from sexual abuse, my study of neuroscience, my training in counseling psychology, and my experience working with hundreds of clients. I have included every lesson, exercise, worksheet, client example, and training module that has made a difference for me and my clients into this program.
We use my guidebook, Beyond Surviving: The Final Stage in Recovery from Sexual Abuse, as the roadmap through seven modules that address the critical areas of life that are impacted by abuse.
As survivors of childhood abuse, family can be a continuous problem. In the same way that our families might have failed us as children, they so often fail us again as adults.
The more I work with clients, the more I am aware of one of the greatest hopes we have: That our hurts will not have been in vain, that there is some way to make it matter.
I know we often look to volunteering with organizations, offering our time and energy to support a particular cause, or serving in some other way that contributes to society. This practice is of great value to both the giver and the receiver. Yet what often goes unnoticed are the opportunities to serve those who are in our immediate circle ... the ones we are closest to, the ones who put up with us during those years of struggle, the ones who cross our path every day.
Often what inhibits and prevents us from giving or sharing freely with others is a kind of stinginess. This is not the stinginess that makes you give a $1 tip when you know you really should give more. It’s not the kind of Ebenezer Scrooge stinginess that causes you to ignore the circumstances of others. Rather, it is a type of stinginess born out of a need to hide and protect ourselves and to preserve a sense of control.
Where does this type of stinginess come from in the first place, how does it most often show up, and how can we break free of it?
Human beings are funny creatures. We crave interaction and relationship, yet often behave in ways that directly counter this need. The main thing that gets in the way of us authentically interacting and forming relationships with others is our need to look good! How many times have we been in a conversation, and we have no idea what the person is talking about? Yet we nod and agree as if we are also a scholar on Far Eastern spices. When we almost trip and fall on the sidewalk, our first response isn’t, “Thank goodness I didn’t get hurt,” but rather, “Did anyone see me fall?” More significantly, we are struggling through a divorce but refuse to tell any of our friends, because we don’t want them to think we are a failure (that one is taken from personal experience!!).
For many of us, this need to look good is often exacerbated by an experience in our past that made hiding the safest choice. Additionally, many of us have suffered in silence and worked to keep up appearances to the outside world – looking good was a way to shield ourselves from revealing the truth.
Our egos are important and our need to protect them is also functionally appropriate in many circumstances. However, if we never risk ego by giving up looking good, then we miss key opportunities to share and learn from others, to give others a chance to share genuinely with us, and, perhaps most tragically, to really be seen and known by others.
Another way that stinginess shows up is in our amazing ability to make choices for other people. I am sure we have all experienced the following sort of invitation, “Hey, there’s a party this weekend, I’m sure you’re too busy to go and wouldn’t be interested, but I think it will be a lot of fun – you should come.” What in the world is that?!
This sort of non-invitation is used as a defense mechanism to protect our egos from disappointment and rejection. This type of exchange allows us to believe that the person is rejecting the party (because they are busy) rather than rejecting us. The error is in thinking that a “no” to an invitation means the person is saying “no” to you personally. If we can recognize that a person may refuse an invitation for any number of reasons (granted, one of those may be because you aren’t their cup of tea), then we can give up the need to protect ourselves by offering these sorts of non-invitations.
Instead, make a clear request - “Would you like to help me on this project?” instead of, “I have this project that I would like your help on, but I understand you’re probably too busy.” Then, accept the person’s answer (which, by the way, will often include an explanation such as, “Sorry, I already have too many projects.”) without taking it personally.
By making clear requests, you avoid inserting a negative influence that would rob the other person of the opportunity to choose for him/herself.
Additionally, not asking others for support (e.g. keeping the fact that you are going through a divorce to yourself) is also a type of choosing for others. The people in our lives want to give their support. It is an act of stinginess to deny them the opportunity to love and care for us.
So, how do we counter this tendency to choose for others? It may seem simplistic, but, when you extend an invitation, filter out anything that is not the clear request. When you need support – ask. Stop choosing for others!
Step 1: Get clear about what you want. What specific type of support do you want/need?
Example: I would like to talk by phone; I want to meet in person.
Step 2: Get even more specific – How often? What day? What time?
Example: I would like to talk by phone once a week on Tuesdays at 12p.
Step 3: Ask for confirmation/agreement.
Example: How does that sound? Would that work for you?
Step 4: Negotiate. Based on the person’s response, you may need to adjust the details or you may have to hear them say, “No, I can’t do that,” and not fall into meaning making as a result.
It is a gift to those with whom we are interacting to give up looking good rather than deceptively nodding to avoid acknowledging that we do not understand.
It is a gift to let others choose for themselves by making clear requests rather than using non-invitations.
It is a gift to others to ask them to support us rather than hiding behind excuses for not doing so (e.g. “I don’t want to impose.”).
It is a gift to those we love to risk our ego in order to build a more intimate relationship.
We will discover that our relationships become more genuine and the ones we are with will appreciate our openness. So, stop being stingy! As we search for ways to contribute to the broader society, keep in mind those who are close to us. Embrace the opportunities to serve them as well by making clear requests.
To asking for what we need,
Watch this video on learning to trust after sexual abuse.
Read this article to learn how to foster intimacy in long-term relationships.
What is one need that you have been dismissing that you can instead make a clear request around?
BOOK OF THE MONTH
It's Ok To Tell started out as diaries to help me get through this turmoil. You can see how I was not able to express so well at the start of the process but was able to develop this ability as time travelled. I have decided to get it published in order to help and encourage others to speak out and to show how difficult it is to do so, so they to can live life. I hope to have shown that it is OK To Tell and It is ok to feel the disasterous affects, but you can get through it eventually. It never does go away but it does get easier to live with.
Join Sexual Abuse Recovery Coach, Rachel Grant for this down-to-earth and transformational group program!
My Beyond Surviving Program is my in-depth program of live coaching calls and support that teach you how to finally be free of the past and move on with your life.
It's for you if you want step-by-step support to reliably and consistently navigate life with clarity and ease.
This program is designed for all types of survivors who are sick and tired of going around the same mountain over and over again and who want to learn specific tools and skills for transforming their lives.
In the Beyond Surviving program, I've combined what I have learned through my own journey of recovery from sexual abuse, my study of neuroscience, my training in counseling psychology, and my experience working with hundreds of clients. I have included every lesson, exercise, worksheet, client example, and training module that has made a difference for me and my clients into this program.
We use my guidebook, Beyond Surviving: The Final Stage in Recovery from Sexual Abuse, as the roadmap through seven modules that address the critical areas of life that are impacted by abuse.
Whether our fears about ourselves are physical, emotional, relational, or sexual, they make sense in the context of sexual abuse we experienced as children. We’ll talk this month about the fears we struggle with about ourselves, what connections we’ve been able to make between our fears and our histories and what ways we’ve found to reassure ourselves over time.
Happy New Year!! Here we are - that wonderful time of year when everything feels possible right? "This year is the year I will finally..." Oh yes, there are so so many ways to finish that sentence aren't there? And I bet for you, just like for me, you've had various degrees of success in accomplishing whatever it has been that you've committed to changing over the years. That's why today, I want to bring you some freedom from this yearly renewal by offering you a way to shift your perspective and thinking about change and motivation.
I'll start by quoting Mel Robbins -
"Motivation is garbage!"
Yep, you read that right. Now, when I first heard Mel utter these words, I was stunned. Skeptically, I continued to listen, and what she shared totally transformed my life. See Mel and I share a passion - the brain! As she went on to explain that our brains are designed to stop us from doing anything that might hurt us, I started to get it. Motivation is easy when the task or action seems "non-threatening." But if something feels uncomfortable, and if we hesitate to act because of that discomfort, it triggers the stress response systemand the brain goes into "protection" mode. And any chance for change disappears. Oh man! Have I ever fallen prey to this in my life. And my heart aches everyday when I complete a call with someone who has gotten present to how their life could be different, but they hesitate, the fear rushes in, and the door closes on their chance (at least in that moment) to step out of the pain of the past and into a life they love. I get it. I have compassion and understanding for it. I mean, I spent 16 years with my head in the sand running from being uncomfortable! But as Mel also says and I concur, "I'm never going to feel like doing the things that are tough or difficult or uncertain or scary or new, so I need to stop waiting until I feel it...and I am one decision away from a totally different marriage, a totally different life, a totally different job, a totally different income...you can learn how to take control and make a decision...your life comes down to your decisions. If you change your decisions, you change everything." Perhaps 2019 is your year to change everything? Perhaps now is the time to stop hesitating? Perhaps this is your time to make a decision to grab hold of the reigns and create the life you've always wanted! I would love to support you in that, so seriously don't hesitate!! :) - click the link, fill out the form, apply for a Discover Your Genuine Self sessionso we can connect and determine your path to healing. 5-4-3-2-1,
Watch Mel Robbins's full explanation of the 5 Second Rule. It will change your life!
Watch this polar bear fully embody the feeling of "unmotivated"! Read this article to learn the real reasons why people don't change. What is one uncomfortable thing you can do today?
BOOK OF THE MONTH
Into the Light is a story of healing from loss, trauma and darkness told through poetry. It explores spirituality, meditation, intuition and personal exploration.
The book is for the woman healing from abuse, sexual abuse, trauma, loss, heartbreak or adversity. It shares a transformative perspective of being in a state of darkness to finding hope, healing and light again. The book is inspired by true events of the author who experienced sexual abuse from her father and the process of healing and transforming trauma into power.
This book explores trauma, abuse, sexual abuse, mental illness, loss, healing, spirituality, meditation, inspiration and empowerment.
Join Sexual Abuse Recovery Coach, Rachel Grant for this down-to-earth and transformational group program!
My Beyond Surviving Program is my in-depth program of live coaching calls and support that teach you how to finally be free of the past and move on with your life.
It's for you if you want step-by-step support to reliably and consistently navigate life with clarity and ease.
This program is designed for all types of survivors who are sick and tired of going around the same mountain over and over again and who want to learn specific tools and skills for transforming their lives.
In the Beyond Surviving program, I've combined what I have learned through my own journey of recovery from sexual abuse, my study of neuroscience, my training in counseling psychology, and my experience working with hundreds of clients. I have included every lesson, exercise, worksheet, client example, and training module that has made a difference for me and my clients into this program.
We use my guidebook, Beyond Surviving: The Final Stage in Recovery from Sexual Abuse, as the roadmap through seven modules that address the critical areas of life that are impacted by abuse.
I hope you will join me for this FREE live workshop...
"The Power of Focus: What Are You Manifesting?"
January 26th, 11a-12:30p PT
Oakland, California
During this interactive workshop and Q&A, Sexual Abuse Recovery Coach, Rachel Grant, will share about the key turning point in her own journey when she realized how powerful focus is in determining how you feel, what actions you take or don't take, what sorts of outcomes and experiences you manifest, and whether you succeed or not in your life and relationships.
With Rachel's guidance, you will:
Explore the impact that focus has on your ability to manifest your desires.
Discover the #1 point of focus that is keeping you stuck and frustrated.
Learn how to use the power of the brain to shift your focus and manifest exactly what you want.
Most importantly, you will be given many opportunities to:
Participate in reflection exercises that will help you tap in and transform right during the training
Receive direct individualized coaching from Rachel
Gain clarity about what your next step should be
In other words, this isn't a boring ol' lecture, but rather an opportunity for you to explore, take notes, and engage -- so plan to show up with pen & paper ready so you can capture all of the insights we know you'll gain from this training.
January Topic: Shame As survivors of childhood abuse, one of the most persistent and pervasive feelings we experience is shame. It affects our sense of self, our inner emotional lives, our relationships, and more.
Sign up for my free guide so you can stop spinning your wheels and instead navigate your way through each stage of recovery with ease and clarity. Get the support you need today
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